Debate Night Notes

Debate night notes

Got drunk and fell asleep during the debates? Not to worry. We can catch you up right here.  And if these points seem like they come from the debates four years ago, that’s because they appear to be the same.

  • Moderators should not try to be funny if they are not funny.
  • Trump was down. He went off on women and the other candidates. He would not rule out a third-party run. He may be a little bit misogynistic. The decline of the Donald has begun.
  • Bush was boring. He wants to replace Obamacare with something better. We want a unicorn that pops silver dollars.
  • Cruz is supposed to be a master debater. The format did nothing to enhance his standing. He has a nasal twang that would be hard to listen to for four years.
  • Rubio was even, though the pundits all said he did great.
  • Kasich was up. He out-kinder-gentler-ed Jeb Bus. If you didn’t hear him say it sixteen times, he turned an eight billion dollar deficit…
  • Carson was strange. He connected a few times. Not a debater. He texted for divine help in the debate. He acted like the only adult in the room. If we wanted to see adults, we would have watched anything but this debate.
  • Huckabee was scary. He talked a lot about sex, and drugs, but in a creepy way. We think he obsesses about the subjects. Also, our lack of morals is sending this country to hell.
  • Walker was Walker. But that may be enough considering the rest of the crowd.
  • Christie was mean. He went after Marco Rubio and made him cry. They both had to go to timeout. There is a fine line between debating and bullying.


  • Every candidate has been an outstanding success in every thing they ever did. Even the Donald’s bankruptcies were a success. All the kids in Florida are highly educated thanks to Jeb. Ohio rose from the ashes thanks to Kasich. (The auto bailout was a failure.) All the other states except yours are doing exceptionally well. All thanks to these men.
  • Fetuses are more important than the women who carry them.
  • The country needs more guns.
  • Defense is weak. Everyone is out to get us.
  • We just don’t spend enough on arms. We need a bigger defense budget.
  • Radical Islamic terrorists are everywhere, thanks to Barack Obama.
  • God influences the selection of candidates. Jesus will probably endorse a Republican for president.
  • Israel is our only friend. Our child, even. Israel comes first.
  • Marriage is between one man and one woman.
  • Illegal immigrants are destroying our country, mowing lawns and building houses notwithstanding.
  • Iran will nuke us within weeks – days even.
  • The country is collapsing under the Democrats. Under the last republican, we were doing great.
  • Obamacare is destroying our country. It must be repealed, even though it can’t be.
  • If elected, every candidate will post 4% GDP growth, end Obamacare, tear up any treaty with Iran, build a fence and a moat, and fill the moat with gas.
  • Carly Fiorina is a mean witch, who knows more about foreign policy than anyone. (Winner of the Chopped Liver Debate.)
  • No matter what, every candidate is determined to make Obama a one-term president.