Goldman Sachs Wins Iowa

Ted Cruz

The people of Iowa have spoken.  Can’t they just suffer in silence?  (AP Photo/Chris Carlson)

Narrow Democratic Lead

Goldman Sachs has a narrow lead in the Iowa Democratic Caucus, while winning big in the Republican Caucus. Ted and Heidi Cruz were on stage last night to accept the victory for the company. “This represents a victory for big-money politics, and a return to sensible unregulated investment banking. We continue to have a big toe in the White House,” commented one free-market lunatic.

Donald Trump A Gracious Loser

Stunned crowds watched Donald Trump graciously concede victory to Cruz, despite a bloody personal battle between the candidates. With New Hampshire only a plane ride away, the fight between these two narcissistic megalomaniacs is far from over. “This kind of crazy does not end with one vote. It will be a fight between egos all the way to the convention.”

Hillary Claims Victory

Hillary Clinton claimed victory despite a razor-thin lead, and one very suspicious precinct still counting votes. Does DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz have her finger in this pie? Or is this another example of Wall Street regulating the election? “In very specific non-banking circumstances, regulation can be a good thing!”

Huckabee and O’Malley Quit

“Sucking up to pig farmers will teach you a lot about politics; mainly, don’t go into politics.” Glad to see the likes of The Huck depart. Even the evangelicals thought he was bit holier than thou, and couldn’t hold their noses long enough to vote for him. Good riddance. O’Malley is another story. He made sense on the campaign trail, and that is rare in a candidate for president. Happy trails, Martin.

Bernie Lands in New Hampshire

The fight goes on, and the real threat to bankers everywhere is Bernie. He don’t take no shit from Wall Street, and if elected, plans on taking a lot of shit away from them. Hence the desire by the Clinton camp to claim Iowa as a win. All those juicy speaking fees come with strings attached. This ain’t no party. This ain’t no disco…

In Iowa, Prom Night Is Over

Just as predicted, all of the private jets swooped out of the state as soon as Iowa’s night of nights was over, leaving the state with its prom dress up around its neck, all drunk and pukey. New Hampshire awaits, in a pretty new dress, ready to be taken out for a ride. The long nightmare of 2016 has officially begun.