Ted Cruz needs our help. Vilified by his own party, ridiculed by the rest of the nation, his hail-mary pass is in progress. He has created a new political genre, the sillybuster, a maudlin attempt to recover from a bipolar fantasy about becoming the countries most celebrated leader. But there are challenges. Here are a few things Ted needs to do before Ted makes a complete fool of himself in front of 300+ million people:
- Bowel prep – the night before you make a complete fool of yourself, you need to purge you bowels of all fecal matter. This also hones the mind for relentless jabber that will be required to occupy your dim-witted colleagues. It also keeps the ideological runs at bay.
- A catheter – let’s face it, logorrhea is not the only problem with sillybustering. Eventually, you have to pee. A catheter attached to a three-gallon bag will do a lot to getting you over this. One suggestion is don’t make sounds when you pee. Keep the bag concealed. And don’t pay for the catheter with your insurance card.
- The Bible – you gotta talk about something, and health insurance is not a good subject, since Obamacare offers more for the voters than you ever did. The answer? Scripture. Jesus never had health care. Focus on this. Remember, quoting scripture has taken the GOP a long way. And it looks good when you run for president.
- When all else fails, read Doctor Seuss.
- Don’t read the Affordable Care Act.