The Creepy Factor

There are pundits who work deep into the night analyzing voter trends, and pundits who pore over every word a candidate says in order to find the essence of the person. This may be a waste of time in 2016. There may be only one factor that will determine who becomes our next president, and that is the creepy factor.

Who would you least like to be stuck all day with in an elevator? Who gives you the willies every time they appear on television? Let’s ponder this.

Creepy – Of or producing a sensation of uneasiness or fear, as of things crawling on one’s skin. Eeeew!

Jeb!

As if that slogan were not creepy enough, Jeb has a creepy smile too. When he speaks, you get the feeling he can talk out of both sides and never agree with either. His creepy factor is 5. There is something creepy about him. It plays against his message. You just don’t feel like you could live with this guy.

The Donald

His creepy factor is 4. He’s not the cutest kid on the playground, and his orange comb-over has to look wicked in a swimming pool, but overall, not so creepy. Scary, to be sure. You may immediately disagree, but creepy is more a visceral repulsion, not a reflection of personality.

Ted Cruz

His creepy factor is 7. Most of Congress would rather commit seppuku than be stuck in that elevator with Ted. He has a creepy look on his face, smile or no smile. He is creep-central. The feeling we get is that behind that Ted-like look could lurk a decent man or the antichrist. It creeps us out. It really does.

Marco Rubio

Marco has a creepy factor of 2. Let’s face it, the guy is Wonder Bread on legs, American as cuban-baked apple pie. We are sure the little old ladies swoon as he passes. It’s disgusting. He does not creep anyone out. A score of two is probably too high.

Hillary Clinton

Hillary has a creepy factor of 4. That might seem high to some, but uneasiness is part of the Clinton package. She doesn’t actually make your skin crawl, but there is a fear and trembling that follows the candidacy. It’s hard for Hillary to do what Bill revels in; warming to the voters and not getting testy. There is a distance to the candidate that makes us feel a little creepy. It really may be a basic inability to connect, but her staff and family are devoted to her. She now needs that connection with voters.

Bernie Sanders

Bernie is a 2. That avuncular style and passion for the cause eases most fears. He may scare you, but he won’t creep you out.

And The Winner Is

Mitt Romney had a creepy factor of 6. Al Gore was a 6 to George Bush’s 4. John Kerry was a 4, but ran a shitty campaign. Richard Nixon was an 8, and perhaps one of the ten-most brilliant presidents in history.

What does creepy mean this November? It means that for all the platforms and positions, all the passionate speeches, and all the fear mongering, when the voter goes into that booth, they may vote for a person that simply does not creep them out. A person they want to be able to spend a day, or four years with, stuck in an elevator.

 

Speak!